Late night snacking

I did not need a mile high pile of pistachios last night at 10:30, especially since I had just eaten dinner at 9 after coming home from the Cleveland International Film Festival.  Had a big salad for lunch, too.  Insatiable. 

Today I understood what I am hungry for: someone to listen.

And, mind you, it’s not anyone’s fault but my own.  I'm with people but I am darting in and out, not quite ready to divulge something significant about myself.  

I talk, sure.  I’m the best there is at recounting the details of a trip or waxing on about the variables needed to improve the efficacy of a system.  I can spin a yarn and tender up an opinion.  Blah, blah, blahdy blah.  I got my mother’s genes. 

An even stronger deterrent to significant talk is the fact that I’m a champion at diverting attention by asking questions.  But how long did it take for the man to give you the camping lesson?  When did they decide to adopt a child?  How was the pasta in Rome?  Yes, I’m genuinely curious about my companion - I want to know the details - but that tactic is a sure way to avoid being asked something substantial. 

So I munch on Chinese food conversation, and two hours later, I want something more.  What I really need lately is someone to sit and listen to me figure out the twisted pile of noodles I have inside.  I am so very happy lately on the surface and so murky underneath.  Both are completely true.  Contentment and discomfort, both feelings slipping and sliding against each other.  Both sharing the same sauce.   

I can’t quite understand if my current discomfort comes from routine, habitually bad habits, a lack of being in a partnership, an anxiety about an approaching second career, getting older, getting stiffer.  It’s like a low-grade persistent fever.  Nothing bad enough to seek help, even though I might need it. 

So tonight, instead of my post dinner snack, I should pick up the phone and order take out.  Not food, mind you, but a person…a person to take me out.  Someone to walk me around the block.  Someone who’ll probe and listen, listen and probe.  Be still in my silence, be confident through my tears.  I’ll get there, to the truth that’s eating me up, I just need someone beside me as the words pour out.